Men, Women, Power and Money
Marriage/Combining households June 3rd, 2008
By: Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
The women’s lib movement helped give women the power to do anything they wanted – yet in some ways has contributed to a power struggle between men and women ever since. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing – after all, if we’re not struggling, we’re not growing! - but we need to be aware of it, and how it can manifest itself in our relationships.
A big way this happens is when women make more than their partners. Both men and women in some cases seem to be equally conflicted about how they feel when the “traditional” role of the man as the breadwinner is overturned by the women’s ability – and desire – to make more. The most common way these feeling manifest themselves in a marriage or relationship is through conflict that centers on money.
There are things you can do – no matter what your stage in life or in your relationship – that can help minimize these struggles. These are good tips to keep in mind even if you don’t feel like money is a power struggle in your relationship.
What men can do:
- Appreciate her sacrifices
- Acknowledge what she does professionally
- Focus on the positives – you may have more free time, more entrepreneurial possibilities and freedom to take more financial risk
- Encourage her is she’s traveling for work or working late hours – don’t contribute to the guilt she may feel
What women can do:
- Be his biggest advocate
- Be discrete – don’t brag about your earning power, don’t damage his ego
- Feel grateful for what he brings to the relationship
- Discuss money – but in the context of shared goals. Acknowledge that his paycheck is also helping you reach these goals
What to do together:
- Take turns paying the bills so it doesn’t feel like one person has the “financial upperhand.”
- Prioritize
- Negotiate
- Discuss any resentment immediately
- CREATE moments for fondness and appreciation.
Married AND single people struggle with this things and it can be hard for women who are – on the one hand, encouraged to pursue their dreams, and then on the other hand made to feel guilty if they outshine men or chose their career over “traditional” feminine roles. This creates problems not only for the women themselves, but for their significant others as they try to relate to the woman in their lives.
Men and women, in general, have different approaches to acquiring power and money, so it becomes even more important to take the tips above to heart and to communicate with your partner to avoid sliding into any type of revenge behavior or financial infidelity.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil has been an internationally acclaimed relationship therapist for thirty years. New York magazine named her one of the city’s top therapists and Psychology Today named her one of America’s best therapists. Her new book, Financial Infidelity, is available on her site at http://www.docbon.com/
June 12th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Thankfully, my husband values our financial future and independence more than old-fashioned ideals. Of course, I no longer outearn him, which is another reason to always be sensitive to your spouse’s current earnings: the situation could change at any moment.